Mothers Are Mirrors: How loving yourself is the greatest gift you can give your children.
"I will not be a mystery to my daughter. She will know me, and I will share my stories with her—the stories of failure, shame, and accomplishment. She will know she's not alone in that wilderness." - Viola Davis.
WHEN YOU DO YOUR BEST, HELL, THAT IS ALL YOU CAN DO.
My experience as a woman oscillates between confidence and self-doubt. At times, these waves of uncertainty crash at my ankles and smoothly retract into the sea of human emotion, where I can quickly view my feet on the ground again. This is when I feel the most self-assured - when thoughts and feelings wash over my body, but my roots and who I am are firm against the ground, allowing me to ride life’s natural ebbs confidently and flow.
Still, there are times when self-doubt approaches me like a swell, ripping my feet out from underneath me. Those times are when it takes me more than just a breath to find my way back to the surface. I often find that I have to sit along the shoreline for some time, wondering: Am I enough? Before I can again find my footing.
In my post Between Yoga and a Hard Place, I discuss the conflict and resistance of female identity. Navigating the undulation between being rooted in confidence and being swept up and pulled down by self-doubt is not unique to me but plagues much of the female population.
Pop culture and social media have recently shed light on the conflict of the female experience as having “to always be extraordinary but somehow…always doing it wrong” (Barbie). Moreover, conversations about the impossibleness of being a woman have extended to illuminate the impossibleness of being a mother.
The conversations I have engaged in about motherhood, both on social media and in more intimate circles of friends and women in my little Midwest community, highlight the magical and life-changing experience of being a mom and how the impossibleness of motherhood is not within the job itself, but rather in the expectations put on mothers - who and what mothers should be as defined by society and the media, and the rhetoric that is infiltrated into the female collective where we are always stuck between “extraordinary” and “wrong.”
I have been a mother for just over a year. My daughter Ayla just made her first trip around the sun—my little Oak Tree is one!
Becoming Ayla’s mother feels like a seamless integration into a life with so much more to offer than I was living before. Many moms agree that life only begins once you have your first child.
Regardless of the ease I feel in caring for my daughter, Ayla, and transitioning into my new role as her mom, my feelings of self-doubt as a woman seeps into my role as a mother when I start to feel the impossibleness of being “extraordinary” and a lack of space or understanding “for getting it wrong.”
…
One of my high school seniors, Lizzie, took these beautiful pictures during a birthday celebration for Ayla. Although I am a woman who mostly walks comfortably and confidently in her shoes, when I received the photos and stared in awe at the beauty captured in my daughter, it was hard to grasp how truly wonderful she is. In that moment of pure awe, that wave of self-doubt came down on me hard, and as I reflected on myself - I felt I didn’t deserve her. The feelings were intense, and whenever I am overcome by intense feelings (good or bad), I know there is an essay I need to write.
When I first sat down to write that essay, questions of self-doubt came up —specifically, doubting whether Ayla would accept me for who I am. At the time these images were photographed, I felt I had wholly accepted myself, my past, and all my shortcomings. But in the back of my head, my doubts were stuck: Would she love me if she knew all of me?
At that moment, staring at our beautiful photographs, I felt the impossibility of motherhood. It was not in the waking and feeding, not sleeping and working and caring for my relationship with my husband, but rather with the immense responsibility of how I carry myself through the world and what I model for my daughter in terms of being a good person and living a fulfilling life and being raised in a time where expectations on women were high (whether staying home with children, working a career, or trying to balance both) and a swarm of information being shared on the internet about how many fruits to give them before age one and when to take the binkie away and apps to track every single poop - how could I possibly do it right?
And underneath that fear of doing it right as a mother about the pretend rules listed above was an even deeper fear:
I worried about what Ayla would think of me. Would she accept me, my stories, and all of my humanness?
ACCEPT YOURSELF SO THEY WILL KNOW IT IS OKAY TO EMBRACE THE WILDERNESS
When listening to the Podcast “Unlocking Us” by one of my favorite psychologists, writers, and speakers, Brene Brown, an episode titled “Being Brave, Speaking Truth, and Finding Me” with actress Viola Davis became a large inspiration for this essay as she has provided me the answers I was seeking in response to my questions of self-doubt.
In the episode, Viola talks about the unfiltered experience of being a mother. When she talks about sharing herself with her daughter fully, it is not so that her daughter Genesis will accept Viola and affirm her in her life experiences. It is for Genesis to know she is not alone in what sometimes feels like the impossibleness of being a woman or what Violo calls the “wilderness.”
I realized then that my work as a mother is not to bend to meet the pretend standards of motherhood or womanhood.
My work as a mother is to continue mastering the dance of navigating my inner world and continuing my journey of self-love and acceptance.
I wrote Viola’s words on paper and framed them by my bed:
"I will not be a mystery to my daughter. She will know me, and I will share my stories with her—the stories of failure, shame, and accomplishment. She will know she's not alone in that wilderness."…
The mystery of womanhood is that we are extraordinary, and we do get things wrong. The troublesome ideas that we have learned from growing up in a society that cannot hold space for the full expression of the female experience is what is damaging to the female or female mother experience. But we must do better.
I knew then that it is never our children’s job to affirm us as “enough,” but our job as parents is to continue to practice finding our footing under the waves and modeling for our children that it is okay to sit on the shore for some time.
Most importantly, I knew then that my job as Ayla’s mother was to accept me fully, whether I was sitting with my head hung heavy or standing tall with my arms wide open, welcoming the tide.
Children learn by example. A mother who loves herself fully and cares for herself so she can give her all when caring for others will raise a daughter who learns how to love herself fully so she can give, but most importantly, be her all, too.
THE SCIENCE BEHIND THE (INSTAGRAM) STORY: WHEN YOU MODEL, YOU ARE MIRRORED
Conversations I have seen on social media about parenting and the importance of modeling the behaviors and values you hope for your children have inspired me and affirmed my own best practices.
The American Psychology Association defines the theory of modeling as “the idea that changes in behavior, cognition, or emotional state result from observing someone else’s behavior or the consequences of that behavior” (apa.org).
My earliest memory of modeling as a mode of learning was with a controversial experiment by Albert Bandura in 1961 involving a Bobo doll. During the experiment, children were taken into a room with a large Bobo doll and observed a video where adults were being aggressive to the doll, and then they did the same thing. Thanks, AP Psych.
I include Bandura’s research-backed science because it strengthens my argument that treating ourselves well and living with love will raise happier and healthier children than any toy, app, camp, or diet. Parents think about what they are or aren’t doing for their children and are unaware of how they exist and live in front of their children, as well as the impact their choices and treatment of themselves have on those who learn by mirroring everything. We must understand that how we live and treat ourselves and those around us is how our children will live, treat those around them, and perceive themselves.
I intend to model for Ayla a way of living that embodies self-love and acceptance so she will learn to do the same for herself.
If, as women and mothers, we learn to love ourselves fully, maybe we won’t have to ask if we are doing it wrong (did she eat enough vegetables? Did she nap at the right time? How many times did she poop?). In a world that inundates us with information on how to be a good mom (how to be a good woman), would it be outrageous to stop worrying and accept ourselves as we are? We are extraordinary. We already know how to head the tides.
HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO LOVE AND ACCEPT THEMSELVES IN NINE STEPS (IT BEGINS AND ENDS WITH YOU.)
You must take care of yourself first—this is it. If you don’t examine yourself and show love to every part of you, you cannot expect your children to do the same.
The following are nine principles I have been developing since becoming pregnant with Ayla and that I am committed to living by as I evolve in this next (most important) chapter of my life:
01. Give yourself grace and live by the principle “can’t change it.”
I learned “can’t change it” from a motivational speaker on YouTube about how to find business success. The man in the video said one of the best pieces of advice he got from his first boss was that when he made a mistake or something just didn’t go the way he wanted it to, to give yourself five minutes to be as pissed off as you want to be, and then to realize that we can’t change the past, and to let it go. Once I accepted that it is humanly impossible to go back in time and undo a mistake or a moment perceived as “wrong,” I freed myself from a lot of mom guilt, and I also was able to heal from my past mistakes or shortcomings during my adolescent years and my early twenties.
Allowing myself to fuck up from time to time and knowing that I can move on and always do better opened the door for much more self-love and grace in many aspects of my life.
02. Let go of what others think.
I think this is one of the hardest skills to learn for many. Connecting with others and feeling love and acceptance is in our DNA. Understanding how the basic human need for love and acceptance was directly connected to caring about what others thought helped me return to the first principle and give myself grace.
Still, even with understanding why we care so much about what others think of us, it can be hard to accept that we cannot change anyone’s view of us. But when I truly began to understand that the only point of view I could shift was my own, I could let go of what others thought (or didn’t think - who am I to guess what goes on in others’ minds?) and provide myself with the love and acceptance I had once craved and sought out in approval from others.
If all of the above sounds complicated, another method I use to let go of what others think is to ask myself, “Do they care if I live or die?” If the answer is “no,” then I immediately move on.
03. Eat healthy, practice yoga, and walk.
Does this sound too simple to be true? It’s not. I have learned the most effective methods for healing and becoming my best self are the simplest.
When I started to think about healthy eating, yoga, and walking as a gift to myself and a way to care for my body and send it love, all of the resistance to feeling like I had to do these things to appease others lifted. Yoga postures and breathwork began to feel as good as going to get a massage. Walking was an exercise that came with so much ease and space for my thoughts, yet after making a habit of doing it every day, I was losing more weight and becoming leaner than I had during the years I had forced myself into high-intensity workouts. When I cut out refined sugar and gluten, within a week, fresh fruit started to taste like candy, and I could eat until I was full without worrying about the calories.
Exercise and diet, when coming from a place of love, are the best gifts you could give your body.
04. Learn to be with yourself in quiet meditation.
I often think about how much time we spend looking at others’ lives through social media and how little time we spend present with ourselves, reflecting on our own. Starting any new routine can be hard, and so can sitting with oneself and reflecting on life when life involves moments that can be painful to reflect on. It is a slow build, but the relationship and love one can create with oneself through meditation is infinite.
Sitting in meditation has taught me to be brave, confront things I may not always like about myself, and show them love. Be present with yourself. Learn to sit and witness your own life. Being with someone, even yourself, is the greatest gift one can give.
05. Self-express and find yourself creatively.
For me, self-expression and creativity take form in my writing, teaching, and how I share myself through clothes, photographs, and home decor. Being creative was a driving force in my younger years and something I lost and began to believe was absent in adulthood. It is not. Expressing myself creatively brings me as much joy as it did in my younger years. It feels like the joy of playing, and it is fun.
Everyone is creative. However, being creative is also a habit and skill that must be practiced. Start small if this feels like something that doesn’t come easy. Wear a top or shoes you may have always wanted but didn’t feel brave enough to wear. And remember, if a person wouldn’t care if you lived or died, they don’t care what clothes you are wearing to work or out to dinner. Showing up as your most authentic self is so healthy and loving.
06. Find your voice.
It wasn’t until I became pregnant with Ayla that I learned how detrimental it was to my health not to speak my truth. Often, I would not say no or speak up about things I disagreed with or ways that people were wrong because I didn’t want to hurt others’ feelings, and I feared losing friends.
Teaching public school has been a really powerful way for me to heal and find my voice, be stern with my boundaries, and speak the truth to those around me, even if the truth might be painful at times. When I began to speak the truth, I saw my students gravitate towards me instead of turning away. I understood that telling the truth and being firm in who you are are love languages to you and others. Learning to do this with friends and peers has been much more difficult. Still, sacrificing a connection to others or a conflict is worth it when speaking my truth. It is a fallacy that people pleasing or avoiding conflict will create a more peaceful pathway in life. People pleasing and avoiding conflict means abandoning yourself; there is no love in that.
07. Sing and dance.
This one is still challenging for me in the presence of others, but when driving in my car or at home with Ayla and Nic, it has been one of the most loving gifts I have given myself. Singing and dancing have historically been a way for humans to release pain and tension and find warmth and joy in their bodies and minds. Being goofy, finding movement and flow with music and sound feels exciting, and I always smile when I can let go of my fears and just be one with the moment. And when I dance for Ayla, she always smiles and dances.
08. Ask for help.
No one, NO ONE, can do everything on their own. We need others for support and also to share knowledge. It is not a sign of weakness but a gift to find help and support when you do not know where to turn. This one comes with a caveat, though. Be careful with whom you ask for help, and ensure that the knowledge or support you receive aligns with who you are. (This is when it is most important to practice meditation. You must know what is true for you first before seeking guidance from others).
09. Talk to yourself and give yourself hugs.
Maybe this sounds wild to some, but it works. When I was struggling in my pregnancy, there were times when my husband, my family, and friends had to take care of themselves and couldn’t always comfort me. At first, this made me mad. But I soon realized it was the greatest gift as I learned how to comfort myself through words and touch. On my darkest nights, this involved playing with my hair, hugging myself, and telling myself it would be okay. Doing this is not silly or weird. Now, I can pump myself up before doing something that might scare me and congratulate myself when I overcome hardships. I also look at myself in the mirror and say, “You’re beautiful,” the words are true.
At my yoga training, we recently learned about the Buddhist meditation practice of Loving Kindness. The practice involves all the techniques I mentioned above—showing love to yourself through your highest highs and your lowest lows. I will write a blog post soon about loving kindness and provide some loving kindness-guided meditations. You might also check out Dora Kamau, a meditation teacher I found through Headspace and practice with regularly. She is so lovely.
DEAR AYLA, I LOVE ALL OF ME SO THAT I CAN LOVE ALL OF YOU.
As I close out this post, part of me feels it will come across as counterintuitive. “Why is a post about being a good mother all about loving yourself?” When Ayla was first born, this question regularly popped into my mind when I would ask Nic to feed her while I sat in meditation or when I wanted to take a break from playing with her to sit at my desk to write.
I now understand and have come to accept that we are too separate beings. When she was in my belly, she was at my desk writing or on my meditation cushion, as was I. Continuing my self-care practice felt counterintuitive for a while. But when I think about how I want to teach her to exist in the world, it is always to be loving and accepting of herself. I have realized that the only way for her to understand what a life like such looks like is to watch her mother and father live it by example.
The waves of self-doubt still knock me down from time to time. But when I can pick myself up lovingly and tend to all the parts of me, I am modeling for Ayla how to do the same, so I keep going.
If you have any questions or want to know more about my journey, please don’t hesitate to reach out. An easy entryway into the practice of self-love would be to try this 10-minute guided meditation by my teacher, Dora, titled Loving Your Whole Self. If you’re new to this, it is normal to feel resistance at first. Keep going.
More soon,
AJ